Paige is the one the principal ( Michelle Buteau, trying too hard) is prepared to suspend over this not-the-least-bit-amusing prank/vandalism, and on the flimsiest of evidence. The story has no real villain, just a quest to discover who “Kingpun,” the school’s graffiti artist/prankster is. “Obvious” is where “Crush” goes a little wrong, and that’s just the start. Isn’t she fated to be the one Paige falls for, playing by “Breakfast Club/Pretty in Pink” rules? Gabriella has a sportier, more introverted and more butch sister, AJ ( Auli’i Cravalho). “I guess the ‘promiscuous gene’ skips a generation,” Dillon quips. Mom is flushed and responsive to Paige’s authoritarian track coach’s ( Aasif Mandvi’s) advances. Mom’s raised Paige in a “sex positive house,” and as Dillon’s on a first name basis with his pal’s mother, their exchanges are bitchy-witty and sit-commie unreal in the extreme. This is “Will & Grace” in-your-face sitcom gay, where the slang, the (girls) locker room talk, even the “I’ll finally learn to to insert a tampon without the end sticking out” banter passes “frank” on its way to “coarse.” That’s pretty much the tone of “Crush,” something that casting Mullally tips off. Despite the support of Dillon ( Tyler Alvarez), Paige’s straight-best-friend - upending THAT “gay BFF” trope is as edgy as this gets - and Dillon’s girlfriend ( Teala Dunn) and opponent in the class president election, Paige seems too shy and inexperienced to make a play for the princess. Only Miss Popular Gabriella barely knows Paige exists. Gabriella was the classmate who first gave her the tinglies, prompting Paige to come out to her mom. There’s the Wiccan, the “horse skank” (into dressage), the short-haired influencer, or the sporty-hotty Gabriella ( Isabella Ferreira) whom out-but-never-been-kissed Paige has crushed on since elementary school. First-time feature director Sammi Cohen and screenwriters Kirsten King and Casey Rackham park this version of the virginal teen trope - starring Rowan Blanchard of TV’s “Girl Meets World” - in a school so gay-friendly that “coming out” is no longer an issue, “acceptance” is a given” and the toughest decision might be which of Miller High’s many alluring little lesbians to focus her attention on. “Crush” is a formulaic high school rom-com with one great big out and over-powering gay twist. Who better to pass along “glow in the dark dental dams” and toothbrush-as-vibrator advice? Well, if Harvey Fierstein isn’t available?
How gay? They cast Megan Mullally as the kid’s indulgent, supportive and overly “helpful” mother. With “Crush,” Hulu serves up the gayest gay vulgarian heroine in a gay fantasia of a high school ever…since “Glee!” anyway. Boy, if Disney really wants to get Wuhan Ron’s “Don’t Say Gay” Goat, they should buy him a subscription to Hulu.